Hey there! I know we haven’t seen each other in three decades, but I can see that you’ve already read my previous Facebook messages, so I thought I’d give it one more shot. I’m excited to share my journey and help you thrive as well! I will be holding a small gathering at a local coffee shop very soon, so I just want to gauge your interest level before I send out invites! If you wouldn’t mind forwarding this message on to as many people as you can think of, it would really help me out! As you know, my mission is to reach as many people as possible with this message of abundance. But, alas, it is a numbers game, and unfortunately so many of my friends and family won’t answer my texts or emails anymore. I really need you to pull through for me!
As I’ve outlined in previous communications, the basic mission of this groundbreaking organization is to market Salve-Solution(™) far and wide. This means we need to sign up as many recruits as possible. The more that sign up under you, the more points or rewards you will rack up for yourself.
More specifically, the more people you personally lead to Christ, as in, those who recite our particular brand of the Sinner’s Prayer(™), the more jewels you’ll get in your crown. If you are having trouble understanding why you are supposed to desire wearing a gaudy crown for all eternity, well, let me explain! When you get to Heaven, Jesus will hand you this really heavy jewel-encrusted crown, and apparently you get to wear it in the afterlife and boast to other people, who are also in Heaven, that you led all these people to Jesus. Here’s a jewel for that man pumping gas on his lunch break. Here’s a stone for that frazzled mom in the Land Rover idling at the stoplight in a busy intersection. You get the idea. A jewel for every soul!
You may be wondering, are these jewels used as some sort of celestial currency or bartering collateral? Never. These are gifts from the Lord. Money doesn’t exist in our glorified lives. Some would argue that neither does pride but, once you get to Heaven and see those giant headpieces, you’ll want that bling real bad.
And do you know what the top producers receive in addition to jewels? Mansions. We will get to live in our own giant mansion forever, in our own cul-de-sac, while other redeemed people will have to make do with wherever it is low soul-earners must dwell unceasingly. I don’t know about you, but I am bound and determined to get that house on the hill, hopefully one that looks down on all the souls I’ve personally saved. Get in now at the ground floor! Only a few of us will hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant”. And what better way to ensure we are among those few than a friendly ambush of single women in our local grocery store parking lot or while ordering ice cream cones from a timid teenager?
As a Jesus Distributor, you will be taught to overcome objections. You might hear this skill referred to as Apologetics, which is just a fancy word for knowing six or seven key Bible verses forwards and backwards. Apologetics does NOT mean you need to apologize for anything. Remember, you are doing people a giant favor by introducing them to the Salve-Solution(™). You need to memorize the pitch in order to defend the faith, plus toss in some really powerful analogies, like the one where you’re driving down the street next to someone whom you have either never met or whom you care for very deeply, but either way - and with an equal amount of desperation - you have to tell this person their lane will end in an unmarked cliff ahead. If you don’t convince them to merge into your lane, which is destined for Paradise, they will surely die a fiery death. Over and over. For eternity.
Plenty of people will blow you off, rudely or nicely, and you have to just keep going. Forget those people, you have souls to save. I’ve heard pastors say we should not “throw pearls before swine”, which might sound condescending on the surface, but wait til those people get to Hell. They’ll remember you telling them all about Jesus. If only they would have just said the Prayer! Too late.
But let’s say you actually get a convert.
This can knock you off your game because you’re so used to hearing no. Stay focused. Place your hand on your new convert’s shoulder and bow your head. They will bow theirs, too, instinctively. Allow them to repeat after you while you recite words about repentance and some high-level theological concepts that you don’t have time to explain right now. They have to say the words out loud - no silent praying. Close the deal.
When that’s done and you never see the person again, know that they are probably out there telling even more people all about saying the Prayer, and you can rest easy on the pyramid of souls that will earn you that royal crown you can’t redeem for other prizes....
But your work isn’t done.
The work is never done.
You were told you would be free in Christ, but for some reason you feel like a slave, because not only do you have to show productive soul-winning, you also must outwardly display fruits of the Spirit, donate a significant portion of your income, and practice early-morning devotions in a special devotions nook of the home you can barely afford anymore. In this business, we consider these “sunk costs”. It’s the price of staying holy, or in our case, saved. It was never just about saying a little prayer.
Now you’re committed, and you’re behind on your bills, and you’re too embarrassed to admit it to anyone who was ever skeptical. So you double down. You invest everything you have left into Salve-Solution(™), because it promises joy and unending blessings, racial segregation, and fellowship with like-minded individuals who are still judging themselves and others by social class. All of this can be yours. Don’t ask why you feel so empty inside when you fall behind on the quotas and daily devotions that you are now convinced measure your worth. Remember your ABCs. Always Be Converting.
You will be “encouraged” (but definitely required) to raise and spend money on short-term missions trips abroad, usually to less white-suburban mission fields. Get your malaria shots! God calls us to suffer for His causes, but tropical diseases are the worst! And He can only protect you from so much. Your future converts won’t have the option of accessing vaccines for whatever it is you’re carrying, but that’s okay. If it’s their time to go, it’s their time. God is sovereign.
In the sub-tropics, it’s important to advise all new converts that spiritual salvation comes with renouncing all cultural heritage and traditions. This is non-negotiable. You also must renounce your own family’s cultural heritage and traditions, except for that harmless Christmas tree and that cute li’l Easter bunny!
Now look around. The leaders who told you that you must do all these things in order to find favor with God? They are probably doing none of those things. But they already have your money, and the money from other people you spent the time recruiting. They’ve already claimed the jewel that represents your soul. Don’t believe me? Just try walking away. They won’t be interested in coming after you. Because it was never about saving you to begin with.
So, does Tuesday afternoon work for you?
[2019]